“What you are is where you were when.” Morris Massey

I first heard this phrase during management development training at IBM. Morris Massey coined the phrase in the 1970’s and it has resonated with me ever since. His premise is that the values of our past directly drive how we behave. If we took the time to understand the drivers of people’s behavior, we would be better equipped to work with them.

What triggered this memory today?  I had a conversation with a cousin over lunch and we were lamenting that an 80 something aunt is still living with a niece in the home she grew up in. Living in a large Victorian home in downtown Toronto, she climbs 20 uncarpeted steps to her bedroom and bathroom with her cane in hand. She spends most of her time sitting in the kitchen.

Being a chatterbox of sorts, we really think she would be much happier living in a retirement residence where there are activities, folks about, Bingo, the hair salon, companionship and men to flirt with.  

But, no. Not for her. She is going to stay in her home. She says, “Nothing can compare to being in your own home. There is only one way I will leave.”  Is she happy? We don’t believe so.

We need to understand that she is part of the generation of savers not spenders. Looking through their eyes, today’s rent for retirement residences is huge. They lived simply, and believe that they can continue to live simply.

I wish they could see and accept:

• That the home they worked so hard for can now work for them because the asset value in their house will allow them to live well now rather than focussing on what it will cost them to live.
• That it is OK to spend the money on themselves and that it is not necessary to leave it to their children. Their children would like them to be happy, healthy and living well.

As my cousin said, “Today we can say we would rather be happy and therefore make the decision to move. But will we think like that at 80?”

 I would like to think we will.

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50 years is a long time no matter how you look at it.

50 years in one house makes me wonder if it is just too long. Don’t get me wrong. I am impressed with folks who manage to have the determination to stay in one place.

I believe moving has its merits. Moving makes you take stock of your “stuff”.  It gives you the strength to get rid of things so you don’t have to move them.

Recently, I put my house on the market. As I have written, I have been decluttering for almost a year now.  I didn’t think I had much to get rid of until I started to hear some of our client’s voices echoing in my head.

• I forgot I had that all that china? Wow, look at this. I now have a collection of cream and sugars.
• That electric blanket doesn’t work but it is still a good blanket.
• Move that pile off the chair and have yourself a seat.
• There is no room in that closet, but just shove it in there and close the door fast!
• I am going to fix that sometime soon.
• No, I am keeping those shoes. I rarely wear them because they hurt my bunion, but they are brand new and so pretty.
• Those pants cost me a fortune at Eaton’s. I just have to lose a little bit of weight to fit in them.
• Yes, I need those shovel handles. You never know when one of the others will break.
• What do you mean, “What am I going to do with that one sheet of shingle?” The roof might leak! 
• When you take the nails out of those old boards, just put them in this jar where I keep all the bent and rusted ones.
• Ally was six when she lost that tooth. It is so cute. Look how small it is! Did you know she is a teacher now?
• It was a gift. I can’t get rid of it. Why she ever thought I would use such a thing is beyond me.

Some of these are in jest. But are you nodding your head?  We all do it!

Be brave.  

Sell it. Donate it. Recycle it. Throw it out.

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“If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well viewed.” Lily Tomlin

I tried to find a witty quote that said something about having too many books. I couldn’t find one. It MUST be a “no no” to disparage the collecting of books.

I spent most of my working “formative” years in the technology business which initially said that with the advent of computers we will no longer need printed pages. Although in some cases that may be true, I’m not sure I will ever get there. I personally love reading the printed page and always have 2 – 3 books on the go. Fiction books I donate once read. I keep re-reading my self help books so they rarely get donated unless they have to do with dieting.

In a recent project a group of us were getting ready to stage a home and the client had many, many books.  As we had all worked on many similar projects around Ontario we came up with a list of conclusions about whether books are to be kept or not.

1. Smelly books do not sell.
2. Just because a book is old, does not mean it is valuable.
3. Current popular authors’ books do not a “good used market” make. Too many copies in print. That is why they are popular.
4. Even though you paid 3 – 4 times as much for the hardcopy version than the pocket book, it is not more valuable. A second hand book store owner advises that he has regular $1. sales to get rid of hardcover books.
5. Second hand book stores are VERY selective about what they buy (see point 3).  Most may provide 10 % of the list price in cash or 25% as a credit for other purchases.
6. National Geographic magazines widely cherished, though not a book, are not the treasure people expect them to be. Charities shudder when these arrive.

Do yourself a favour and donate your books to charity, a seniors home or unless someone in the know  tells you they are worth something, sell them for a quarter at the next street sale. You don’t want to move them.

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When your possessions start possessing you.

I was doing a presentation last week when one of the “mature” ladies uttered the phrase in the title.  It got me thinking.

When we start out in life many of us measure our success by the accumulation of possessions…the more luxurious the better; my car, my house, my beautiful china, my designer clothes and so on.  We seem to need these things to show the world that we are “good” at whatever we do, and we are being appropriately rewarded for it. 

Then we enter a phase where our activities become important; luxury trips, attendance at sporting events and concerts, dining out.  And the possessions just get better.  We are really successful.

Sometimes it is only when we are older that we come to feel that it is people and relationships that are the true measure of our success.  But we still have all those possessions …they really add up over the years.  And they become heavier…a weight on our shoulders.  Many are buried in closets and cupboards where we can’t see them, but we know they are there. Or do we?

Somehow it is difficult to let them go.  Why?  Sometimes it is because we really love them.  But sometimes it’s just inertia.  We can’t give them away because it seems to diminish our own worth.  We can’t sell them because the laws of supply and demand mean that we aren’t going to get what we think they are “worth”.  And that really weighs us down.

Is it time for an “attitude adjustment”?  Shouldn’t we know by now that our value is based on who we are and what we contributed to the world during our life? And couldn’t the measure of that be the family and friends who surround us now?

Perhaps it is time to shed some of those possessions. “Treasure your relationships, not your possessions.”

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Be Brave

Move on…you’ve got a lot to live for!

After reading an article called “Moving by Choice, Knowing Your Options” featured in last month’s Elderwise Newsletter and speaking to a client yesterday about his upcoming move, I had the idea for this blog.

I have often thought that although we eagerly move residences between the ages of 20 and 60, we eventually reach an age and say we will never leave our homes.  

So why are some of our clients moving?

• Mr. T.  has decided to leave his 2 story family home and move to a maintenance free bungalow in a retirement community outside of the city. There he met two residents who were long time acquaintances he had lost touch with. He’s excited about rekindling these friendships and having everything looked after for him.
• 96 year old Rita has decided to move from her family home into a retirement residence out of town to be closer to her nieces, her only family.
• At 90, Mrs. A. is an experienced mover. When her husband died 10 years ago she sold the family home and moved into a condo. Circumstance had her move into her daughter’s home for a short time. When the youngsters became too much for her, she decided a retirement residence was a better alternative. She recently became the librarian of the residence, is meeting a ton of people and is having a ball.  
• As a respite against the winter months in the country, my soon to be 89 year old Dad was thinking of taking advantage of the short term furnished accommodations at a retirement residence in Toronto. Instead, my brother offered to have him visit him in Vancouver where he will have his own bedroom and bath and daily chess at the local mall. As fall comes to an end, he’ll be heading for the airport for a 5 week trip.

I admire these brave folks who want to continue to enjoy life.  No matter what age, life is too short not to be happy and fulfilled! Go on. Take a chance. Make the move!

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